hope is very important. hope can also break us and can make us fools.
i am trying to learn something about myself in this graduate creative writing workshop i am in. it is very difficult for me to see how people cannot see what i can. i have the ability to look critically at someone’s disorganized thoughts and make them sensical— i was called a very “sensitive” reader because i understood a story someone wrote today that no one else understood. i was happy about this.
but this is a very limiting position. it is very hard for me to understand why other people are being insensitive. or why people do not understand me. the truth of the matter is, people aren’t always being insensitive when i think they are, they just aren’t being perceptive. people have a difficult time understanding me because i do not readily express myself. it is not in my nature to be completely candid about anything. i only reveal things about myself that allow other people to remain comfortable and to feel safe with me. people do not take my needs seriously because in effect i do not allow myself to be fulfilled.
if i do not make people aware of my desire then they will not know. i do get frustrated when i communicate when something hurts me and it isn’t listened to. but i am allowed that. and people are allowed their flaws.
i need some time to sort things through. i just know what it looks like and what my intentions are aren’t the same. i am only thinking of true things. only true things.
ah introspection.
